Maybe it didn’t hit me until the other night when we were talking or maybe it was because I truly had not yet realized how messed up and broken my last relationships were, but something clicked with me last night/really early this morning. I realized why I used to hate seeing all those girls being so mushy about their relationships, not because I truly thought it was annoying, because I never had experienced one worthy being that way about. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting here telling you that I think Brandon is the one because we have only been dating a week and only been talking for a little over a month before then, so that in itself would just throw up all kinds of red flags in my own face of clingy if I was thinking that. But, just in this time that I have spent with him, he has completely shattered my image of men and shown me what someone who truly has God in their heart and a good raising behind them can do in a relationship; basically how a man treats a woman. So I’m just going to have to warn ya’ll ahead of time that I may now officially be that girl that gets occasionally mushy because gosh darnit, I have a reason to be..FINALLY and I’m proud of him being in my life. But last night he came up to talk to me about some things I had posted on twitter when we had first started talking because I had honestly put some posts up out of anger. Should I have done it? No. Were they my way of putting my walls up because I thought he was going to leave and turn out like the rest? Heck yeah. But that gives me no excuse. If he has taught me anything, it is that everyone deserves a fresh start in your life and that no one deserves the same treatment as someone who abused you, used you, or left you in the dust previously. Yes, having a sheltered heart is okay. Heck, in the bible it says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” Proverbs 4:23. But, he was right to come and talk to me about it because without even realizing it, I was being hateful and hitting on some of the key things that he had shared with me. Now I pride myself on being very loving and understanding, but this time, I messed up big time. All I could do was tell him the truth, that I was putting my walls up out of fear. Luckily, I do have a good one who understands, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt him or scare him to see things like that before we were even dating. How does he know I’m not going to do it again? He doesn’t. And now he has a basis to go off of, whereas when I was running off a misunderstanding and angrily writing things, I was just running off of my past, which I have overcome and I know I am stronger than. After I talk, that is when it truly hit me, God has placed a wonderful man in my life and I need to appreciate not just who he is as a person, but make sure that on a regular basis I am appreciating his heart, his soul, and his spirit. Yes, I have made tremendous strides, but I know I am hard to handle. I can be the perfect girlfriend on the outside but my trauma can sometimes make things difficult and even in the short amount of time that we’ve been together, he has already helped me a lot.
Heck, my ex tried to get ahold of me multiple times recently and instead of giving in like I always do and beating around the bush, I told him I am happily in a relationship that I feel is going to last. Basically, I ended the cycle that has been going on since I met him however many years ago. Can I just tell you how amazing that feels to be able to say that I did that, let alone to have actually done that?! I wanna cry right now for how amazing that feels on top of just wanting to scream it from the roof top that I AM FREE and I FINALLY DID IT! All I ever wanted to do after all of the things that happened in that relationship that were so broken and abusive and just horrible, I just wanted to be able to walk away, but I was never able to. Something about Brandon and this new found strength I have in Christ and who I am in Christ, I just felt like I could boldly say that I am done with the past and everyone and everything in it that used to break me and walk away, no regrets and no more ties. *Insert squeaky high pitched voice here* I DID IT!!! I permanently shut that door.
With all that being said, I’ve been giving him (Brandon) my all, just not with the extra pep like I usually do. If you know me in person, you know that every relationship or interaction I have has an extra little pep to it because I like neon colors and just anything that has a little something extra. That is just who I am. While the actions have been there, the fear of my past somehow messing this up has also been there. My past has had a way of creeping in and ruining great things for the past nine years and I wasn’t putting it past it this time (pun intended). But now, I know that my past is behind me and I am walking forward, hand in hand with someone who wants to look forward and isn’t interested in knowing how many people hurt me or knowing how many times before I’ve turned around. He just wants to keep my chin up and my eyes facing forward so that he can keep helping me gain strength as I have been in the Lord and in life in general in my spirit and in my heart. I didn’t think I ever wanted a guy like that, but once you’ve done a lot of the mending yourself, a guy like that is pretty handy. Especially if you don’t need someone to ‘fix’ you, it’s just nice to have someone hold your hand while you do the ending repairs and stitches on wounds of the past. And in a way, we are both healing together. We both have places we wish life had never taken us, but not out of regret because we grew into who we are today. And we both have scars that have stories that are hidden in the shadows that maybe will come off the shelf when the time is right. And as I’ve said a million times, I don’t know what God has planned for us. Maybe we stay together for years, maybe we split up in a few months or at the end of college, maybe we get married, maybe we don’t, who knows and who cares. That is the great thing about trusting God and trusting each other to grow along side each other. It is not the amount of time nor the amount of past shared with one another. It is the growth made with one another and the strides taken towards a future, either together or separate, knowing no matter what happens, we are both better people because we are together now and want the best for each other. That in and of itself is what I’ve always wanted in a relationship and never been able to pin point it out until now.
So with all that being said, despite being sick and completely overwhelmed with projects, I’m stronger than I used to be, and I’m only getting stronger. I never realized there was a point in recovery where going back just isn’t an option anymore. And maybe there isn’t but I’ve just defined that for myself. In my life and what I want to do in my future and the fact that I want to have a family and children and teach special needs, there is no room for ED in my life anymore, GOD takes up that room in my heart and mind, ED just doesn’t fit. While it is something that will be a battle or something I deal with for the rest of my life, I Just cannot and will not look back. ED stole everything from me and now looking at my life, I have taken absolutely everything back from ED except the occasional thought that slips in my mind. If I am twenty-one and have been dealing with this since I was twelve, am symptom free, am basically a senior in college, have a 3.7GPA, am dealing with five different assault situations, AND have a healthy relationship with my heavenly father as well as a guy and my family and friends, I’d say yeah…ED sorry bud, but you lose. I can guarantee that ED looks at my life on a regular basis now and wishes he hadn’t ever touched my life, because it has now become a platform for recovery. And the best thing about platforms is they can only go up from here!:)
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