So it’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on here. Okay longer than a hot minute. It’s been over a month. That has been good and bad. It’s been great because I’ve been out living and doing my thing, being in the moment and taking each day as it comes, learning that I can process things out loud to people that I love and I won’t scare them away. Go figure! It only took me twenty-one years to figure out that writing isn’t the only healthy way of communicating feelings. That annnnddd I’m starting to learn that crying is sort of kind of, maybe, on occasion, okay, but only sometimes, rarely, when I’m in the right mood. In retrospect and thinking logically, it is a human emotion and it is perfectly healthy and normal. I’m just getting used to doing it since I no longer am numbed out to any feelings including stress.
So I don’t know if any of you are wondering about how the year ended up, yes I made it a full year without symptoms, and no I didn’t just stop when the year ended, but now I just feel like it is my job to move on to bigger and better things rather than counting the months. I should be raising even more awareness and fighting for those around me that are struggling and counting smiles and strength, not days without symptoms. There is no moving forward unless you are constantly reaching for higher purpose and higher goals. I’m not looking to go crazy and change the world or anything, just raise that much more awareness in my community. How, I have no idea, but I feel like if God has led me this far through this much of craziness, He won’t just leave me here without some kind of sign on where to go. That is the crazy thing about God, He waits until you start listening to Him and then He starts showing you what He had in mind for you all along. Some days I’m not going to lie, it feels like I struggle to identify myself because I held onto my eating disorder for so long, but then I get to step back and realize the beauty of right now. I am in college and I get to grasp who I’ve been all along and grow into who I want to be. I’m not defined by something that wants to kill me any longer which means I can be defined by living, by aspirations that want me to live.
It does break my heart though because I look around and my eyes are now open to how little people truly know about eating disorders and how many of those people close to me are suffering or how many people that I know are close to someone who is suffering and they just don’t know what to do or say. That is my new goal this year, not to count how many months I can go without symptoms because now that I know I can go a year, the possibilities are endless and I am fully in recovery. But this year is about awareness and helping others and finally realizing that balancing act that I have struggled with all twenty-one years of my life. The crazy thing about life is that God gave us all the talents and individual struggles that He did, not just so that we would rely on Him, but so that we would find the people we were meant to have in our life and so that we would not be alone on this earth through the struggles. We ALWAYS have Him, but He is also so kind and gracious to give us people who were especially designed by Him to fit our hearts and situations like puzzle pieces. With the craziness I’ve been through and seen those near and dear to me go through, nothing else makes more sense than to start making a difference, spreading the word and truly starting a change in a culture that isn’t more than skin deep.
So what all those little baby shpeals really mean is that this year is truly new. I know a lot of people talk about their New Year’s Resolutions about losing weight or eating this or that, but I just wanna challenge people to have their resolutions this year to start changing our generation and our culture. When you hear people fat talking or when you start fat talking to yourself, stop it, change it, and start focusing on what you love about how you were created. When you hear people judging and comparing others on the way they dress or the way they look, step up instead of retreating. Make this a year that people start realizing that maybe our society and culture doesn’t have to be like this all the time, that not only are people with good hearts and the Christians going to talk about how much God loves people and how amazing He is, but we are going to start unconditionally loving His people too, because honestly it’s about dang time we do.
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