Day 47: Pure Appreciation, Leap of Faith, Mushy Gushy

Maybe it didn’t hit me until the other night when we were talking or maybe it was because I truly had not yet realized how messed up and broken my last relationships were, but something clicked with me last night/really early this morning. I realized why I used to hate seeing all those girls being so mushy about their relationships, not because I truly thought it was annoying, because I never had experienced one worthy being that way about. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting here telling you that I think Brandon is the one because we have only been dating a week and only been talking for a little over a month before then, so that in itself would just throw up all kinds of red flags in my own face of clingy if I was thinking that. But, just in this time that I have spent with him, he has completely shattered my image of men and shown me what someone who truly has God in their heart and a good raising behind them can do in a relationship; basically how a man treats a woman. So I’m just going to have to warn ya’ll ahead of time that I may now officially be that girl that gets occasionally mushy because gosh darnit, I have a reason to be..FINALLY and I’m proud of him being in my life. But last night he came up to talk to me about some things I had posted on twitter when we had first started talking because I had honestly put some posts up out of anger. Should I have done it? No. Were they my way of putting my walls up because I thought he was going to leave and turn out like the rest? Heck yeah. But that gives me no excuse. If he has taught me anything, it is that everyone deserves a fresh start in your life and that no one deserves the same treatment as someone who abused you, used you, or left you in the dust previously. Yes, having a sheltered heart is okay. Heck, in the bible it says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” Proverbs 4:23. But, he was right to come and talk to me about it because without even realizing it, I was being hateful and hitting on some of the key things that he had shared with me. Now I pride myself on being very loving and understanding, but this time, I messed up big time. All I could do was tell him the truth, that I was putting my walls up out of fear. Luckily, I do have a good one who understands, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt him or scare him to see things like that before we were even dating. How does he know I’m not going to do it again? He doesn’t. And now he has a basis to go off of, whereas when I was running off a misunderstanding and angrily writing things, I was just running off of my past, which I have overcome and I know I am stronger than. After I talk, that is when it truly hit me, God has placed a wonderful man in my life and I need to appreciate not just who he is as a person, but make sure that on a regular basis I am appreciating his heart, his soul, and his spirit. Yes, I have made tremendous strides, but I know I am hard to handle. I can be the perfect girlfriend on the outside but my trauma can sometimes make things difficult and even in the short amount of time that we’ve been together, he has already helped me a lot.

Heck, my ex tried to get ahold of me multiple times recently and instead of giving in like I always do and beating around the bush, I told him I am happily in a relationship that I feel is going to last. Basically, I ended the cycle that has been going on since I met him however many years ago. Can I just tell you how amazing that feels to be able to say that I did that, let alone to have actually done that?! I wanna cry right now for how amazing that feels on top of just wanting to scream it from the roof top that I AM FREE and I FINALLY DID IT! All I ever wanted to do after all of the things that happened in that relationship that were so broken and abusive and just horrible, I just wanted to be able to walk away, but I was never able to. Something about Brandon and this new found strength I have in Christ and who I am in Christ, I just felt like I could boldly say that I am done with the past and everyone and everything in it that used to break me and walk away, no regrets and no more ties. *Insert squeaky high pitched voice here* I DID IT!!! I permanently shut that door.

With all that being said, I’ve been giving him (Brandon) my all, just not with the extra pep like I usually do. If you know me in person, you know that every relationship or interaction I have has an extra little pep to it because I like neon colors and just anything that has a little something extra. That is just who I am. While the actions have been there, the fear of my past somehow messing this up has also been there. My past has had a way of creeping in and ruining great things for the past nine years and I wasn’t putting it past it this time (pun intended). But now, I know that my past is behind me and I am walking forward, hand in hand with someone who wants to look forward and isn’t interested in knowing how many people hurt me or knowing how many times before I’ve turned around. He just wants to keep my chin up and my eyes facing forward so that he can keep helping me gain strength as I have been in the Lord and in life in general in my spirit and in my heart. I didn’t think I ever wanted a guy like that, but once you’ve done a lot of the mending yourself, a guy like that is pretty handy. Especially if you don’t need someone to ‘fix’ you, it’s just nice to have someone hold your hand while you do the ending repairs and stitches on wounds of the past. And in a way, we are both healing together. We both have places we wish life had never taken us, but not out of regret because we grew into who we are today. And we both have scars that have stories that are hidden in the shadows that maybe will come off the shelf when the time is right. And as I’ve said a million times, I don’t know what God has planned for us. Maybe we stay together for years, maybe we split up in a few months or at the end of college, maybe we get married, maybe we don’t, who knows and who cares. That is the great thing about trusting God and trusting each other to grow along side each other. It is not the amount of time nor the amount of past shared with one another. It is the growth made with one another and the strides taken towards a future, either together or separate, knowing no matter what happens, we are both better people because we are together now and want the best for each other. That in and of itself is what I’ve always wanted in a relationship and never been able to pin point it out until now.

So with all that being said, despite being sick and completely overwhelmed with projects, I’m stronger than I used to be, and I’m only getting stronger. I never realized there was a point in recovery where going back just isn’t an option anymore. And maybe there isn’t but I’ve just defined that for myself. In my life and what I want to do in my future and the fact that I want to have a family and children and teach special needs, there is no room for ED in my life anymore, GOD takes up that room in my heart and mind, ED just doesn’t fit. While it is something that will be a battle or something I deal with for the rest of my life, I Just cannot and will not look back. ED stole everything from me and now looking at my life, I have taken absolutely everything back from ED except the occasional thought that slips in my mind. If I am twenty-one and have been dealing with this since I was twelve, am symptom free, am basically a senior in college, have a 3.7GPA, am dealing with five different assault situations, AND have a healthy relationship with my heavenly father as well as a guy and my family and friends, I’d say yeah…ED sorry bud, but you lose. I can guarantee that ED looks at my life on a regular basis now and wishes he hadn’t ever touched my life, because it has now become a platform for recovery. And the best thing about platforms is they can only go up from here!:)

Day 31: Unexpected Conversations, Eno Times, Road Trips, and Best Friend Sleepovers

Today has just been absolutely amazing in such an unexpected way. It started off with a conversation that began at about one this morning that lasted literally until about six. I wasn’t expecting to have a conversation like that with anyone ever, let alone one of the guys I hang out with in my building. It blew me away because I’ve been so anti-letting my guard down that when it came time to actually let my guard down, it was natural. I just laid my whole story out there (through questions and going back and forth of course) but didn’t leave things out for fear of embarrassment or rejection. It is strange when you realized that not only have you come to a point in your life where you accept your past, but you begin to use it as your testimony when people begin to question why you’re so happy all the time. Yes I’ve had a lot of crazy stuff happen to me. A lot of it was really rough to deal with, but it made me a stronger person and it helped define and strengthen my faith in and relationship with the Lord. With all that being said, I woke up this afternoon (I mean I did go to bed at six) and was in awe that it had happened, I actually allowed myself to open up and be vulnerable.

Now usually for people who know me, when I say vulnerable, they think relationship wise. I wouldn’t necessarily say that is where this is going. If it goes down that path then hey, we will cross that bridge when we get there. But for right now, I am just being grateful for having such a peaceful and eye opening morning. It made today so much better just knowing I am truly growing into who God has planned me to be. I still sometimes have those thoughts that maybe I don’t look as good as I could or should, but if I am on God’s path for me and I love who I am on the inside, it radiates to the outside. I found myself picking at the outside less because Jesus is radiating from the inside. What an amazing concept to think about. It isn’t even about changing the outside but more, focusing the inside.

With all that being said, after Brandon, Bri, and I went and got food, we decided to go Eno down at the local park. If you have never enoed, I pity you and am telling you that YOU NEED to buy one. They are not only super comfortable, but there is something about just being wrapped up in a cocoon that is just peaceful in itself. Anytime I get in a hammock, I immediately think of camp and everything feels instantly better. There was nothing really to feel any better other than be even happier than I already was today. So, as soon as I got in the hammock, I felt even happier than I have in a long time. I don’t know exactly brought about such joy yesterday and today, but I don’t want to let it go. It feels amazing radiating God’s love from the inside out. I just want to hold it and squeeze it and never let it out of my grip.

After all of that, I drove down to Gastonia to see my best friend. We were supposed to run the color run tomorrow morning for my birthday. Both of us have some of the craziest schedules I have ever heard of. She is in Vet Tech school and has no free time to herself, not even food time. I’m taking nineteen hours and an internship with special ed, so I have no free time to myself except for maybe an occasional food time. That being said, neither of us had had time to train or get super pumped for the run. While I would absolutely love to say that we motivated ourselves and pumped ourselves up before bed, we decided not to run. We had already given the money which goes to help children charities that are local in Charlotte. That in itself is enough. Especially when you aren’t used to getting sleep and finally have the opportunity to get some. I honestly thought I would already be asleep by now, but hey, I was making sure I got my blog up. I’m trying to get better about being more consistent.

Today, body image and ED wise was pretty amazing. It just felt so healthy and in a good place all day. I honestly don’t think I heard ED much at all today to be honest, and that is such a good feeling. My birthday is coming up and knowing that I am being victorious so steadily over ED this close to such an anxiety provoking event (in a good way) makes me so happy. Every other birthday since I was twelve, I have been freaked out that I wouldn’t look perfect or be perfect on my birthday. Let’s be real, ain’t nobody got time for dat. Who wants to be around somebody who is trying to be perfect let alone be the person trying to be perfect? God created us perfectly in His image and that is the only form of perfection that applies to us at all. We are humans and we mess up. We screw up the amazing and perfect world and plan God has for us sometimes. The great thing is though, that He is always right there holding our hand and never letting us truly fall.

Thank you God for such an amazing day and just putting things in perspective about my past and my future. Lord thank you for putting me in a situation where I needed to be and was vulnerable. Please keep helping me work on trusting and loving others unconditionally and treating each person and situation as a fresh and new situation and not one of the past. Help me to keep growing in my relationship with You and those around me as well as in my recovery. Also, help me make a difference in at least one person’s life each day. Amen.