Transforming Tuesday, Emotional Walls, Working Through It and Late Night Homework

So I feel like this new migraine medicine is affecting every part of my life. I know that sounds silly because it is only supposed to take away pain in my head. But, the neurologist had told me that it might affect how I would think and it might affect my appetite. Well you were right about both of those things. Thank goodness we have a doctor in the house who knows what he is talking about. My appetite has been dead so if I don’t have time, I don’t eat until I do. I don’t mean that to be triggering because TRUST ME, I eat. But as everyone who is struggling or who has an eating disorder or who knows someone with an eating disorder, we know it’s not about the food. But my thoughts just seem more jumbled than usual. I can’t seem to keep track of time and it seems like all of the days are blurring together. Emotions are just becoming one giant blob and no it is no longer world war three in my uterus so there is nothing going on with hormones there. I am rightfully just wondering if I should just do a cleanse for my body and get rid of all medicines and do an all fresh food and drink thing and see what happens. I think with all of what I’ve been trying to do this past year, sort out migraines, stay fully in recovery, turn twenty one but not get drunk, have healthy relationships, sleep, get good grades, not go broke, handle emotional things appropriately, my mind and body are just like: UHM WE DONT DO THIS, WE ARE JUST GONNA SHUT DOWN, K THANKS.

That is literally the last thing I need right now, but I feel like that is where my body and mind are. Not to mention that it is that time of the semester where everything seems hard, even when it isn’t. So this is when my knees hit the ground and I just stop and ask God to help me. This is when the rubber meets the road and I truly find out how dedicated I am to my recovery and being true to me, who God created me to be and following the path He designed for me. With all that being said, I am finally listening to God and I’m going to share my testimony. I don’t exactly know how or when it is going to play out, but I am starting it and already have a rough draft typed out. For me, I have been sharing my past and my journey like it was a story, detached from it most of the time, but just telling it like it is every time. This time it will be a completely different challenge because I will be stepping out in faith and using it as a way to help show people God’s love and hopefully bring some people if not just one to Christ. I have always wondered what the purpose for going through all of this has been in my life, and I think that is it, to show God’s mercy and love and how He was there with me through it all. The purpose of sharing my testimony isn’t going to be about talking myself up and being like ‘whoa look at me and look at how far i’ve come, I’m so awesome’, it is going to be about the truth and about my heavenly father and about how pure and honest His love and grace is.

With all that testimony talk, it reminded me of why yesterday and today have been such struggles. Yesterday evening was more of a struggling day for me. I wish I could say why, but ED has just been trying to ease his way back in since right now is when I’m most exhausted out of any time in the semester. Today was not any less exhausting. Yes, I did get to see my kids and it felt nice seeing them, but I think that they could also tell that something was off. I made a few mistakes with them, which I’m not used to making, and I even almost lost patience with one of them which is something that I hold myself to in high regard. I realized today that more was going on than I wanted to admit. So, last night the guy that I’m ‘talking’ to or however the heck you want to word it, cuddling with, see on a somewhat regular basis, whatever, well anyway…him, we had a conversation yesterday when we shouldn’t have. Neither one of us were in a good mood or physically feeling very well to be honest. Long story short, there was a misunderstanding and I walked away thinking that he had just called me damaged. That word is the only word he could have said that would have hit me that hard. Granted, he didn’t mean it directed at me, but because of my state of mind that evening, I took it that way. So all last night and all today, I was walking around holding on to that past core belief that I was damaged, that I wasn’t good enough for anyone and that even God couldn’t save me or wash away my sins.

WHOA WHOA WHOA.

Now I KNEW something was wrong. Look at that last sentence again. “…even God couldn’t save me or wash away my sins.” Was I smoking something today and just didn’t know it? How in the world could I let one single word hit me like that? A word, that after a talk today I realized that he wasn’t even meaning it that way. Heck, I’m not even dating the guy and I don’t even know if we will date. How in the world did that bring such a dramatic drop in my moral and core belief? Because, that was the word that used to separate me from God before. That was the one thing that I had refused to lay at God’s feet before because I didn’t think that He could fix it. I used to look at myself in the mirror and not like what I saw. Eating disorder wise, I would pick apart the outside, but truly, I was picking apart the inside, ripping at the scars until they bled because I thought that my Heavenly Father couldn’t and wouldn’t accept me for who I was.

Now THAT is damaged talk. After my talk with my christian mentor on campus today, I not only realized that this was God’s smack in the face of, do not put so much focus on earthly things and earthly relationships for this is not my home, but it was also a reality check of how quickly things can spiral. How fast did just the word damaged bring me to my knees again and leave me cowering in the corner too afraid to look God in the face? I am a child of God, we are children of the Most High and nothing can ever separate us from His love. How silly of us to ever think that something just as simple but yet detrimental as the word damaged could cause a significant rift in such a strong and powerful love and grace.

Sitting here tonight I am in awe of the lessons that He continually teaches me. I swear, sometimes He just wants to smack me in the face and tell me to get over myself and to just slow down and bask in His presence. Honestly, I feel like that is a lot of times what He wants me to do. Especially right now when I am running fifty thousand miles an hour or cowering in a corner running from myself and from Him. Your scars make you beautiful because they remind you of where you’ve been and what He’s brought you through. You are never too far from His love or His grace and mercy. That is something that you should never forget.

So I pray, Father, help us to lay down whatever word or thing it is that separates us from you or causes us to cower in a corner. Help us to realize there is nothing that can take us too far from you. Darkness is not dark to you, scars are beautiful to you. You knew each and everything that has, is, and will happen and you are there every step of the way. Help us to lean on you and to take your yoke for it is easy and your burdens are light. Help us to know that you shed the blood of your only Son on the cross to wipe away anything that would ever take us far away from you and just help us to live each day knowing we are one day closer to being with you. Thank you Father, Amen.