My story got made into a documentary by a beautiful and fabulous individual! I thought I would share it here and share it today in case any one needed some lifting up. Despite everything going in my life, I know that God is good, my recovery is solid, and that He has a plan for my future; plans to prosper me and not to harm me. All of that means that I have faith and I have hope and I know that no matter what this world throws at me, He has my back. He has placed amazing people in my life to help me, to help share my story, to lift me up when I’m down, or to kick my butt when it needs kicking in gear. But today, today I laid things at the feet of Jesus and today, today things feel right again. I can’t tell you that I’m perfect or that my life is perfect or that it has been anything near sunshine and rainbows. Maybe one of the reasons why I haven’t been blogging so much is because sometimes when I put my stress on paper I feel just a little bit crazy for thinking that God couldn’t handle it if He could save the whole world and sacrifice His Son all in one foul swoop. But today it seems like I slowed down a little bit, got on my knees and prayed, not for Him to take things away from me or to lift weights off my shoulders, but that He would forgive me for thinking I could do this without Him. That He would have mercy on me for walking around knowing that He loves me and loving Him back, but not with my whole heart, not with everything I have. I’ve been blinded by the things of this world and therefore bogged down by the worries of this world thinking that this is all there is. But today it was like my eyes were opened and I can see once again that this is only temporary; with my eyes set on the Lord and my heart forever praising Him, He will fill me up day after day, moment by moment, setting my path before me. He never promises this path to be easy, for even the Son of God did not have an easy path in this life. In fact, He says it will be harder for believing in Him goes against what this world says and everything that this world wants to drag you into doing. And while just today reopening my eyes may not seem like a lot, for me it is giving my motivation back, and giving me my love for people back that had somehow crawled into that dark spot of depression that I thought I had covered up for good. The devil took an old wound of mine, depression, ripped off the bandage and started twisting, knowing I would fall before I reached out my hand for God and for help. But now, even though it may have taken a while to look back in the right direction, I see He has a plan and has had a plan all along. For there is nothing without Him and God is good all the time and all the time God is good. For in the wreckage, He is there, and in the triumphs, He is there. He will never leave nor foresake me, only wait patiently for me to whisper, “Father, Abba, I need you.” Which He has known all along, and then He scoops me up in His arms like He did today, holds me close and through life’s miracles, through friends, through beautiful sunrises and sunsets, through understanding professors, and sixth graders that tell you they never want you to leave, He whispers back, “I love you, my child. I will never leave nor foresake you, I am always with you. You are NEVER alone.”
behiskindofbeautiful 
May 05, 2014 @ 03:44:11
So proud of you girly
Dec 04, 2014 @ 17:40:29
Reblogged this on behiskindofbeautiful and commented:
So I know it’s not typical for someone to reblog their own post, but with how stressed I’ve been lately and how loud ED has been screaming, for my own sanity I needed to repost this. Rewatching this brought tears to my eyes because ED has been so loud lately. There have been days where all I’ve wanted to do is give in to the urges and throw away the almost two years of progress that I’ve made because I just am tired of fighting. Some days, lately, I don’t even want to get out of bed because the urge to relapse is so strong. I haven’t felt like this in a while and I can’t chalk it up to just one thing.
I always told myself that I wouldn’t be someone who would depend on medicine to keep myself healthy and out of my eating disorder. Well, when my doctor stopped filling my anxiety prescription, I realized I was doing just that. But, I also didn’t realize how much those meds were helping me not even have urges. So, being off of these meds almost three weeks now, I am re-realizing how difficult this fight can be sometimes. How stress can latch on to negative thoughts and eating disorder thoughts and how it just seems like a giant road block in my mind. And lately I’ve had a lot of stuff going on, but the desire to conquer that stuff and move forward has been minimal. I’ve had this voice consistently in my head telling me I won’t be able to get anything done or that it won’t matter because I’m not going to be successful in life regardless. These are thoughts I haven’t battled in a while, and I guess I got so used to them not being there that I forgot how to ball them up and throw them away. So I’m going to start taking some time, right here, right now, in the midst of the craziness of finals, and final projects, and animals wrecking things, and just try and breathe. Life is never as bad as my mind can chalk it up to be, it’s just a matter of talking down my anxiety and talking down the ED voice.
I know I definitely don’t have life as bad as others do, and some days I just need to kick myself in the pants and get up and go. However, sometimes I just need to vent what is going on in my head so it’s not just stuck there, I can see it on paper. I can see how exaggerated ED is making everything, and how I should be thinking. I just…I guess even someone in recovery for almost two years still needs support and isn’t perfect. I thought that when I made the decision to stop acting on symptoms that I would be flawless with my recovery, that I wouldn’t have urges or need someone to talk me down from having ‘ED brain.’ That, my friends, was a completely insane thought. And yes I still kick myself for not being able to just ‘get over it’ some days, but those are the days that I should be asking for help and I simply don’t. Well, today I just need support, prayers, positive thoughts, uplifting messages, what have you. No I don’t have it the worst in the world, but eating disorders are like sickness, certain seasons are more prone to bring up symptoms and sometimes even when you’re doing all you can do to just get past it, you still can’t ‘get better’ on your own.