Sharing My Story –> Coming Into My Own

Teacher Mode

 

So there is something I have come to realize in the past few months about changes that have been occurring in me that I wasn’t even aware of. Somehow, being in recovery all of this time, I have started to dive into developing who Lindsay is. Some days that means that I absolutely love what I find. I have found that I love animals and loving on people and children more than I love mostly anything else. I found that I love being outdoors even if it isn’t doing anything strenuous, just a simple walk. And I have found that even waking up on the craziest mornings, I have to stop and pause to watch the sunrise because it helps remind me of how glorious God has been through everything that I have been through. But, I have also realized some things that I don’t necessarily like. I am way too much of a perfectionist and am trying to grow up way too fast without allowing my body or my life to catch up. I beat myself up over things that are sometimes in my control and sometimes were bound to happen whether or not I was even present in the situation. I get chronic cluster migraines and sometimes that means that I have to sit out of life for a day or two to give my body the rest and relaxation that it deserves and is asking for. And during those sometimes periods, I’m not always the kindest to myself or my body in my head.

The cool thing about learning all these new parts about myself is that none of these pieces have to do with the eating disorder. While some of these things may be deemed negative, they are ALL ME. They are things that I can work on, like my patience when I’m not getting enough sleep or not making enough time to sit down and have meals with loved ones. That is something I can work on instead of hiding behind the mask that was anorexia or bulimia. The amazing thing about recovery is that every day I am learning something new about myself. This year I have learned that I am not very good at dealing with death or intense emotions because all I ever did was numb out from it or run away from negative emotions that I did not want to feel. Being in recovery means facing parts of life that are scary and aren’t all that pleasant. But it also means feeling all the positive emotions to the fullest. When I have had to cry because a friend has died, that means I have also felt the full love of an embrace of a true friend being there for me and loving me through the hard times. When I have felt guilt or remorse for something that I did wrong, I also felt the true relief of forgiveness when someone has loved me enough to tell me and truly believe that I am not my mistakes. With everything that I have gained back that I was running away through my eating disorder, I have realized that there is so much more sunshine than there ever was darkness and it is like my eyes are opened each and every day.

My boyfriend and I have already been through so much and bless his heart, he has to deal with so much of everything that I am learning about myself. He has had to see more breakdowns of myself than even I thought were possible for me to have. With that being said, because I have broken the holds and the chains that the eating disorder once had on me and found freedom in who God created me to be, I have allowed him to be closer than I ever would have let anyone else be in the past. Not only him, but my best friends, there are some I can name on one hand and they know who they are, checking on me when my friend passed and when I was just going through a rough time, have helped me work through days when I felt the barrier coming back up. While an eating disorder is not about being sunshine and rainbows every day all day, it is about finding the sunshine in every day and every situation to know that recovery is ALWAYS worth it and ALWAYS worth the fight to continue.

If I have learned one thing through the past almost year and a half of recovery, it is that this fight is never worth giving up and that I wouldn’t give up what I have gained on this side just to hide away from the parts I was once so afraid of handling and exposing of myself. Yesterday I shared some of the most intimate parts of my life with a young woman who is creating a documentary on anorexia and the psychological affects of it all. I had never met her before in my life, but had been connected with her through another young woman who I had gone to middle school with. The reason we were connected is because the young woman I went to middle school with knows that I have become very open about my recovery in order to make sure that I do not allow myself to retract back into the darkness or let it take over ANY part of my life ever again. Well, I wasn’t sure what all the young woman wanted from me or what all I had to offer, but when I stepped into that room, I gave her everything I had and told her all the gruesome and gory details of my life story having to do with the abuse, the eating disorder, the mentality, and everything else that kept me sick; there were no details spared. Bless her heart, she sat and listened to all of it and I can only imagine everything that she was thinking as the interview went on. It helped that she was not a very judgmental woman at all and that she understood some of what I was saying, which a lot of people cannot sit there and say that they understand. But she didn’t look at me as though I was some crazy person. She looked at me as though I was someone who had survived going to hell and back. That made it a whole lot easier to sit there and tell her some of the horrors of what has now become my story instead of my every day life, thank the Lord.

But it finally hit me yesterday when I was talking to her about all the things that I had gone through. I realized that I had finally come to a turning point in not only my eating disorder, but my life. Sure, I have been at a turning point for a while, but I don’t think it really hit me until I was sitting there and telling my life story. I wasn’t sitting there and being detached and I also wasn’t sitting there and bawling my eyes out when there were moments that I wished I hadn’t been alive for or that caused me to wish I were dead. I could look at those moments in my past, realize that they had helped make me stronger and also had come to realize that God had given me my own personal story because someday, somehow it will become a part of a movement that will help women or just one woman to change her or their lives. If I can use what I went through to change just one life, my story is worth it. For women or a woman to know that they are worthy of God’s love at all hours of the day no matter what the enemy says to them or tries to get them to believe, then my battle on this Earth has been beyond worth it.

And so I sit here today and look back and everything that I have shared up to this point and realize that while some of it was really difficult to get out, it has all been for the Glory of God and for the greater purpose that He has yet to share. Though I still may not understand what He is doing in my life or in the lives of others through me, I am grateful for all that I have been through and honored that He chose me to be His soldier to carry out His good works.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you, ‘ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11 ❤

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