In Awe of His Grace, Getting My Health Back, Scared, and Sian

So, this is going to be more of a sporadic writing I spose, rather than an every day writing, just because of how much time I don’t have this semester. In fact, it’s even less time than I had last semester. I didn’t think that was possible, but I guess thinking that made my schedule test that. It is in fact possible ladies in gentlemen, and I am living through it as we speak, with my cat sitting in my lap. Let me just go on a quick rant with how amazing she has always been in my life. She is silly and goofy and totally a dog, but that’s what I need in my life. She fits in the grey category of what you would expect from a cat. And she cuddles on me and loves me when I struggle and helps give me kisses when ever I’ve been depressed. As silly as it is, I just can’t imagine being anywhere without my baby. I’m so grateful for her and everything she has given me and my family. With that being said, I may be more ‘stressed’ than I’ve been in a while, but I am also happier and more content than I’ve been in forever. Yes I’m super stressed with some bills that I need to get ready to pay which requires me to start picking up more and more shifts at work and possibly pick up a different department, but hey that happens in college. I am not the only one who has to do things like that, and with how blessed I am, trust me when I say I am not complaining that is the worst thing that is happening right now.

With all that being said, just getting over being sick…not so fun. Nausea and more nausea was just the ickiest thing ever. I forgot what it felt like to be legitimately like throw-up sick. When you are mentally sick for so long and are so focused for a full year on being in recovery, you forget what it’s like to have your body just be sick and not think anything different of it. Well I forgot how icky it was. Lucky for me, I am the luckiest girl in the world who has a boy who was researching the most random things in the world to do to get me through it. Not all of them worked because my body was rejecting everything and it’s mother when it comes to food and liquid, but hey, it’s the thought that counts in the end, right?

Well I won’t go on a rant about my boyfriend because I feel like I have done that so many times before. No one wants to sit there and listen to how great someone else’s relationship is going unless they asked. I see no questions that popped up like oh em gee how is your boy, so I’ll stop there. But I think today it hit me about not just how far I’ve come in my eating disorder, but just in life. Like, I am a senior in college. Yes, I should be graduating this semester and no I’m not so it’s not that fun. But, I will be a super senior and that is still scary that this time next year I will be student teaching. But the fact that God brought me to this place in my life that I get to spend so much time with kids with special needs and be healthy enough to help them? That in itself is just so amazing. It just makes you stop and think about all the little things that God does each and every day for all of us to get us to where we are. He helps us through the hard times, the not too hard times that were actually larger than we realized, and also just walks alongside us during the good times. It’s so crazy to think how amazing He is. He didn’t need us, but He chose us. Like what is that?! That is just SO AMAZING. And He carries us and loves us through so much even when we aren’t deserving. That is just the greatest feeling in the world because He just loves us unconditionally all the way until we get to spend eternity with Him. That just warms my heart so much. Like He yearns to have a close relationship with us no matter what has happened in the past or how far we have strayed. How amazing is that?!?! And then the past few days have been spent with friends that are so uplifting.

How amazing is it to wake up and know that you are loved and supported through everything. Like having a break down because you were worried about slipping because of losing weight due to being sick? My best friends and boyfriend were there for me and are still there for me. Who knew asking for help and praying and just being open and accepting of my own flaws and being human could be so much easier if I just realized that perfection is not attainable? Call me crazy, but being imperfect is sometimes the best thing that can happen because it helps me realize how solid my faith in God is and my relationships with those around me are. But I wanna end this random post with one of my favorite poems that has been really uplifting lately, the Wear Sunscreen poem:

Wear Sunscreen
Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

 

God bless those who are struggling, for they are finding their footing and their strength. Bless those who are strong, for they have gained calluses on their hearts and their feet from pushing through the challenges.

I’m BACK, New Year, New Goals, Eyes Open…Just New

So it’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on here. Okay longer than a hot minute. It’s been over a month. That has been good and bad. It’s been great because I’ve been out living and doing my thing, being in the moment and taking each day as it comes, learning that I can process things out loud to people that I love and I won’t scare them away. Go figure! It only took me twenty-one years to figure out that writing isn’t the only healthy way of communicating feelings. That annnnddd I’m starting to learn that crying is sort of kind of, maybe, on occasion, okay, but only sometimes, rarely, when I’m in the right mood. In retrospect and thinking logically, it is a human emotion and it is perfectly healthy and normal. I’m just getting used to doing it since I no longer am numbed out to any feelings including stress.

So I don’t know if any of you are wondering about how the year ended up, yes I made it a full year without symptoms, and no I didn’t just stop when the year ended, but now I just feel like it is my job to move on to bigger and better things rather than counting the months. I should be raising even more awareness and fighting for those around me that are struggling and counting smiles and strength, not days without symptoms. There is no moving forward unless you are constantly reaching for higher purpose and higher goals. I’m not looking to go crazy and change the world or anything, just raise that much more awareness in my community. How, I have no idea, but I feel like if God has led me this far through this much of craziness, He won’t just leave me here without some kind of sign on where to go. That is the crazy thing about God, He waits until you start listening to Him and then He starts showing you what He had in mind for you all along. Some days I’m not going to lie, it feels like I struggle to identify myself because I held onto my eating disorder for so long, but then I get to step back and realize the beauty of right now. I am in college and I get to grasp who I’ve been all along and grow into who I want to be. I’m not defined by something that wants to kill me any longer which means I can be defined by living, by aspirations that want me to live.

It does break my heart though because I look around and my eyes are now open to how little people truly know about eating disorders and how many of those people close to me are suffering or how many people that I know are close to someone who is suffering and they just don’t know what to do or say. That is my new goal this year, not to count how many months I can go without symptoms because now that I know I can go a year, the possibilities are endless and I am fully in recovery. But this year is about awareness and helping others and finally realizing that balancing act that I have struggled with all twenty-one years of my life. The crazy thing about life is that God gave us all the talents and individual struggles that He did, not just so that we would rely on Him, but so that we would find the people we were meant to have in our life and so that we would not be alone on this earth through the struggles. We ALWAYS have Him, but He is also so kind and gracious to give us people who were especially designed by Him to fit our hearts and situations like puzzle pieces. With the craziness I’ve been through and seen those near and dear to me go through, nothing else makes more sense than to start making a difference, spreading the word and truly starting a change in a culture that isn’t more than skin deep.

So what all those little baby shpeals really mean is that this year is truly new. I know a lot of people talk about their New Year’s Resolutions about losing weight or eating this or that, but I just wanna challenge people to have their resolutions this year to start changing our generation and our culture. When you hear people fat talking or when you start fat talking to yourself, stop it, change it, and start focusing on what you love about how you were created. When you hear people judging and comparing others on the way they dress or the way they look, step up instead of retreating. Make this a year that people start realizing that maybe our society and culture doesn’t have to be like this all the time, that not only are people with good hearts and the Christians going to talk about how much God loves people and how amazing He is, but we are going to start unconditionally loving His people too, because honestly it’s about dang time we do.