Day 50: Poem: The Ballerina in the Glass Circle

Spinning and spinning until her feet are unsure of the floor. Where one step ends and one begins is beyond where her mind can stretch, searching for where this path pulled her in or how to break out, her eyes are constantly fluttering about, arms outstretched, scaling the walls of the glass, trapped from the life she plays as a movie in her grandma’s attic, dust gathering, far out of reach, dull smile spurred, not the same as before.This circle is a cage she created for herself, dancing for a demon she once wrapped herself in the warmth of, leaping towards every time, filling the holes the sands of time have been running through, slowly grain by grain. It passes through instead of stopping and filling the holes as she used to hope as dreams told her time would, time heals all never felt so false. The demon she dances for sits outside of the glass, only to scrape the nails against the cage lest the dancing cease, lest the movement grow cold or unsatisfactory.
Can’t he see that she’s gone? That the dancer she was, that the livelihood she once had has shrunk, she has evaporated slowly, starving from lack of oxygen and nutrition, love and nurture, retreating to the music box deep inside the soul. There the childhood ballerina turns only opened once in a blue moon when the demon is out of ear shot; then the ballerina may turn and oh does she turn until the music can play no more, until the shell on the outside and the box on the inside collapse on one another in an exhaustion known by none other than those who dance for the demons meant to fill the holes, the voids of their pasts.
There is a ticking, a slow and tedious back and forth that seems to grow louder with every tick and every tock. It goes back and forth as if to ring in the ears of the dancer’s shell and the music box that time is running out, the circle is growing colder. The demon is always impatient, always wanting a dance despite the time or the indention of the path from where her feet have been time after time filling voids, keeping distance, closing boxes deep within. As she picks herself up she stumbles and the piercing noise of the glass against his nail jerk her stumble upward, propelling her forward, onward to start the circle dance. Onward she goes in a circle, though she knows not why. In the glass she is safe, though noises compel her. The walls she built, for his hands were too strong and the box was her own for the ballerina was not secure, would not make it. As she spins faster, she feels the anger rising, why is she here, how could he keep her here, why are her holes not patched? She spins faster and faster in her circle and lunges at the wall shattering the glass that once contained her, falling in the arms of what feels like everything and nothing at once. The demon has fled for through the holes have come light and the box in her has opened, the ballerina has begun to dance. As she lies there, she begins to open her eyes for it is only then that she realizes they have been closed the whole time. As shapes begin to form and blurred lines turn into things, it is him she sees, “Hello, beautiful” is all she hears and with that she knows, the glass wall and the holes are a thing of the past.



So this might be quite scattered due to the fact that A. I just got my charger back so I may or may not be jumping all around my computer between music, facebook, homework that I should be doing, pinterest, and all other exciting things on the computer, and B. My brain is just flying with lots of information because writing things out is the way that I process them and I haven’t been able to do that in about a little over a week. Needless to say, this will probably be a long post and for that I am sorry. But hey, this blog is to be honest and to help others, but it is also for me to vent and get all those weird and whacky thoughts out of my head and to sort through them. So, with all of that being said, here goes the sorting:

This past week has been absolutely crazy. For one, I found out that I don’t have to have surgery on my knee, which I am so absolutely grateful for. With that being said, it also means that whatever is wrong with it has to heal on it’s own which is going to be an absolute pain in the behind. But, at least I don’t have to have surgery or deal with doctors or anesthesia or any of that crap, because honestly that stuff freaks me out. That also means that I can slowly ween myself back into squats, which I absolutely love. I don’t know why I love them so much, they just make me happy. Yes, I’m weird, I am fully aware. That also meant, however, that I was able to work and I worked so much this past week I swear my feet and knees felt like they were going to fall off. I didn’t get a breather until today, even with having someone work most of my shift on Friday from pain in my knee from working a twelve hour shift on Thursday. But hey, that is what happens with working and especially trying to work out an injury. If you baby it forever it will just get worse, but working it back out will be painful at first. So, finally I took a break today and I realized that today of all days has been eleven months fully in recovery.

What a day to take a break and a breather on.

I genuinely could not believe it! Even on the days when I thought that I was doing well, I honestly didn’t think that I would get to this point. I know that sounds like I don’t have a lot of faith in myself, my support team, or God, but this disease is deadly. If you don’t have it, you don’t understand. But once you’ve been to the bottom of the well, it is difficult to think that you’ll be running in the fields again. I’m not even going to apologize for the metaphor, because that is pretty dang accurate when you’ve hit rock bottom with something that has gone from seeming like a saving grace to taking over your life and choking every inch of life out of you. But today, today was just great. Every day is a celebration, don’t get me wrong, and as of late, I couldn’t be happier. It seems that just listening to God and having waited for His timing and started listening and making better choices based on healthy decisions and just listening to my body and my heart, life is so much better and I am so much healthier in all aspects of life. You hear is all the time growing up, in church, in school, at home, from your parents, that listening to God, listening to your body, and listening to your heart will get you where you need to be. They just don’t get to show you or let you feel how truly hard it is, especially with how many brick walls we allow ourselves to run into. Some of the walls I ran into for years, I swear I built brick by brick myself and still claimed to not know they were there. But today, today was about celebrating the solidified change. I spent breakfast with my boy at one of my favorite places, although I wasn’t really hungry. So, instead of forcing my body to eat, I just drank coffee, because honestly that is what I wanted this morning when I woke up anyhow. We parted ways after much giggling as per usual, and I went to go get drinks and have some snackage with one of my best friends up here.

It was great just to catch up and spend time together, but it was also nice because the little girl behind us was playing peek-a-boo over her booth. I remember when i was a little younger and I would see all these little girls looking at me in restaurants. I would be making faces and playing with them, but in my head I would wonder about what if they knew the real me. What if they knew about the symptoms I acted on or how much I harmed my body or hated myself. Today, today I looked the little girl in the face and told her how beautiful she was, knowing in that moment she believed in. Knowing in that moment, it came from a girl who also believed it to be true of herself. As i typed that, tears rolled down my face because I don’t think I have ever been able to say I believed myself to be beautiful. Pretty, eh sometimes. Cute, depending on the day or the remark. But today, today I realized that through all the scars that I have, all that I’ve made it through, all the struggles I have over come, with God’s help and with His design, I AM BEAUTIFUL.

Phew. Glad the emotional part of the post is over lol I’m just kidding, I have no idea where my brain is going to lead me next…plus I’m still crying to who the heck knows at this point. I don’t even think my brain knows what it is going to have me type to be completely honest. I’m just going with the flow or…stream of consciousness writing is what it is called in English, except I am going back and fixing the grammatical and spelling errors, just because as a future teacher it would drive me bonkers if I didn’t. Anywho, I ended up buying neon sunglasses and just spending the rest of the day listening to my body and having an amazing day. I can’t remember the last time I truly just had a day where it was just relaxing and I didn’t worry about all that I had to do. I just let myself be in the moment and just enjoy every minute of it. It was truly a day to remember.

But for some reason for the past few days, instead of just writing, I wanted to write a poem. I don’t know. Call me weird, I just miss being able to write those. I am currently way too exhausted to write anything other catch up things because the creative side of my brain is waiting until I am jacked up on sugar, sleep, caffeine, or all of the above, or so deprived of all of the above that I am hallucinating that the creative side of my brain is awake. The delusional piece may happen within the next few weeks because I have so many things that I need to get done and so little time to get them done in. It’s mostly my fault because a lot of them are supposed to get done throughout the semester, there are just so many things to get done throughout the semester that I would probably be dead if I didn’t procrastinate at least a few of them. So I took the black and white approach and pretty much procrastinated most of them, but not all, thank goodness and got a lot of the difficult ones out of the way!

As for recovery and relationships with myself and those close to me, I haven’t been in this great of a place…ever. It has been with God’s grace, God’s help, and the help of those around me that I have made it this far. I can’t even imagine where I would be if I would have tried all of this on my own. I remember the days when I did try it on my own and I didn’t get very far. Help is always available and you are never too far gone to be saved from ED or from yourself. Recovery is hard, but it is possible, it is worth it. You are worth it.