Day 34: Mood Swings, Tiredness, Need for HIM, Cru, and SNOW!

God, sometimes I wonder why You trust me so much with all of these things that have happened in my life. I understand that those things happened because I was running from Your plan for my life or was trying to make my own path. But, sometimes, on somedays, like today, it just all feels so overwhelming. It just doesn’t make sense how all of that can make whatever future You have planned for me. Days like today are just such a battle to put the past in the past and just accept that who You are can make me whole again. I know it to be true and can feel it down to my bones, it has been the truth that has gotten me through some of the deepest nights. Today, it was just a harder truth to believe than usual. My heart just hurts today, Lord. My heart hurts because yes, maybe it is because it is that time where there is World War 3 in my uterus (Too Much Information…I know), or maybe it is because the winter months are jumping upon us and that always throws off everyone’s moods for at least a week or two. But God, today was just so difficult. It just felt like I was fighting to feel clean again through You.

I guess you can say that I’m talking to that guy who keeps coming around. That is the best way to put it. He is such a great guy and I guess that is what is bringing on these feelings of being dirty. I always get this feeling around guys who aren’t douchebags. Pardon my language, but that is the only way to describe a lot of the guys that I have dated or spent a lot of time with. That is not to say that some of the guys that have pursued me haven’t been amazing guys because some of them truly have been. With that being said, it has been all about self-worth for me. I am now at a place in my life that I have self-worth and I am solid in that foundation because it is based on who God made me to be and who I am in Christ Jesus. With all of that being said, some days are just freaking hard. It isn’t just the eating that girls have to deal with these days or that I have personally had to deal with. It is guys telling us that we aren’t pretty enough or guys that don’t listen when we say no and take what they think they want or want in the moment. And then we have to live with those scars for the rest of our lives. I kept looking at my repurification ring today to remind myself that I have taken back the power, but I swear, when you are most powerful and firm in Christ is when the devil hits the hardest. It’s almost like that is when you’re the most vulnerable because you aren’t expecting a hit.

I started hearing the devil saying things in my ears today along the lines of, ‘he is just like all the rest, don’t even bother putting up limits,’ or, ‘you’re broken and have nothing to offer someone, they want a whole and beautiful girl who won’t bring them down.’ Emotions are already running high with hormones so my mind was just like AHHHH what am I supposed to think back to that? How am I supposed to counteract back with that other than God loves me and has made me whole through Him and His love and His mercy. I have just been fighting back with just spending time with my fourth graders today. I tried to make it as fun as I could and just bask in their innocence and how sweet they are. I also tried to just spend less time correcting them and more time trying to learn where they were coming from so I could be a better educator teaching them life lessons, not how to learn how to respond to the word ‘no’ appropriately, they learn that everywhere else in life. I spoke up in class and tried to stay awake and spoke with my professor after class as I usually do. I went and donated all of my birthday money and all the money that was given to me to Project Heal which ended up being right under $500 by about nine dollars which is amazing for just one person to raise for a cause! I was really impressed with people! All of these things made me feel good, but they didn’t fix that longing I felt in my heart for just…for Jesus I guess is the best way to put it.

I even went above and beyond to make sure I ate everything I was supposed to today. Now that I have been in recovery for a while, following a specific meal plan has not been something that I have done in a while. I just eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. However, on days like today, I know that I have to be careful about those kinds of things because my emotions can mess with my appetite. Although, these new meds that I’m on have killed my appetite so even better, I don’t have an appetite to begin with. Anyway, I went and got the biggest and best meals I’ve had in a while and they all worked out splendidly so I knew at least ED could have nothing to say because I was nourishing my body and I was happy and content with not only how I looked but how I felt in my body. But somehow, all day today I just couldn’t and kind of still can’t shake this feeling of just being gross. The devil is trying so hard to just rattle the foundation of my faith in God and my recovery and the testimony I am writing to share to show that with God’s help, all things really and truly are possible. It just is a good reminder that I must be doing something great for God’s kingdom or God has a plan for me to do something big for His kingdom if the devil is fighting that hard for my attention and trying that hard to shake my foundation.

Well, I went to CRU, and not surprisingly, it was exactly what I needed to hear. The preacher talked about how all of us have done some crazy things in the presence of beauty and how fleeting beauty is. He also talked about how we are so quick to judge by beauty but Christ took on all the ugly pieces of us and yet we are still looking to others and things of this world to be beautiful and to fill us up and to fill our desires and our needs. God may have wiped our slate clean, but Christ took all of our sins and all of the death and horrid things that we deserved for all the mistakes we’ve made and will continue to make. That is the true definition of beauty and love right there, and yet so often we look past it and try and make beauty about other things. How quick are we to make beauty a number or a size or a person or a certain look or a certain group. But that is not fulfilling. Our soul and our hearts don’t feel beautiful if we are at a certain weight or if we wear a certain outfit. We can feel good about ourselves for a little bit, but what else can truly fulfill us deeply other than the beauty and love of Christ?

Needless to say, that is exactly what I needed to hear. I just needed to hear that, just like the song that is playing on my Pandora station right now talking about not giving up. Okay God, I hear you. Talk about how crazy messages can get from Him if only we stop and listen. It just blows my mind. It just said, “Help is surely on it’s way. Dark is breaking into day. Just keep moving through the storms and soon enough you’ll find the door. Just don’t give up.” What more perfect message could be coming from God than that? Theme of today is just keep pushing through the storm. Ironically, as I type this, there is a winter storm forming outside raging and attempting to cover the ground. That is how my soul feels right now trying to fight off past demons and settle in the here and now. I guess that is the great thing about not only living in the presence and glory of God but also in recovery that each day is a new beginning and we are forgiven for what we did in our past and we get to start over whenever we ask for forgiveness and choose to commit.

Thank you, God for new beginning and for your message about how beauty is through You and in You. Thank you for beauty in our scars and for stories through our scars. Thank you that our past is not our present and that we are not what we’ve done or what’s been done to us, but who we are in You.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Kip
    Oct 25, 2013 @ 06:11:54

    Can’t help but be reminded of the sermon my pastor shared with the congregation this past Sunday. He said:
    “God sees a person’s potential not the current state. He sees us as the person we are not yet.”
    God’s view is not from what we’ve done, but from what He’s done”
    “Because of Christ every person is offered a second chance”
    “Because of God’s view of people He will never stop pursuing and inviting them.”
    Then the pastor asked “Because God doesn’t love anyone the most (loves everyone the same, as if we are each his favorite) who do I need to love more?”

    You are His kid. He has no ability to love you in an imperfect way, He can only love you completely. He longs for the times that you come to him, crawl onto his lap and just need to be loved. And He looks at every one of your students with the same love… and He looks at your love for your students and says “she gets it, she really gets it.” I count it as a blessing that I am able to see glimpses of your journey and your victory through your gift of writing… thank you.

    You definitely are “His kind of beautiful”… hand made, limited edition, one of a kind, like no other, perfect in His sight.

    Reply

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