Day 31: Unexpected Conversations, Eno Times, Road Trips, and Best Friend Sleepovers

Today has just been absolutely amazing in such an unexpected way. It started off with a conversation that began at about one this morning that lasted literally until about six. I wasn’t expecting to have a conversation like that with anyone ever, let alone one of the guys I hang out with in my building. It blew me away because I’ve been so anti-letting my guard down that when it came time to actually let my guard down, it was natural. I just laid my whole story out there (through questions and going back and forth of course) but didn’t leave things out for fear of embarrassment or rejection. It is strange when you realized that not only have you come to a point in your life where you accept your past, but you begin to use it as your testimony when people begin to question why you’re so happy all the time. Yes I’ve had a lot of crazy stuff happen to me. A lot of it was really rough to deal with, but it made me a stronger person and it helped define and strengthen my faith in and relationship with the Lord. With all that being said, I woke up this afternoon (I mean I did go to bed at six) and was in awe that it had happened, I actually allowed myself to open up and be vulnerable.

Now usually for people who know me, when I say vulnerable, they think relationship wise. I wouldn’t necessarily say that is where this is going. If it goes down that path then hey, we will cross that bridge when we get there. But for right now, I am just being grateful for having such a peaceful and eye opening morning. It made today so much better just knowing I am truly growing into who God has planned me to be. I still sometimes have those thoughts that maybe I don’t look as good as I could or should, but if I am on God’s path for me and I love who I am on the inside, it radiates to the outside. I found myself picking at the outside less because Jesus is radiating from the inside. What an amazing concept to think about. It isn’t even about changing the outside but more, focusing the inside.

With all that being said, after Brandon, Bri, and I went and got food, we decided to go Eno down at the local park. If you have never enoed, I pity you and am telling you that YOU NEED to buy one. They are not only super comfortable, but there is something about just being wrapped up in a cocoon that is just peaceful in itself. Anytime I get in a hammock, I immediately think of camp and everything feels instantly better. There was nothing really to feel any better other than be even happier than I already was today. So, as soon as I got in the hammock, I felt even happier than I have in a long time. I don’t know exactly brought about such joy yesterday and today, but I don’t want to let it go. It feels amazing radiating God’s love from the inside out. I just want to hold it and squeeze it and never let it out of my grip.

After all of that, I drove down to Gastonia to see my best friend. We were supposed to run the color run tomorrow morning for my birthday. Both of us have some of the craziest schedules I have ever heard of. She is in Vet Tech school and has no free time to herself, not even food time. I’m taking nineteen hours and an internship with special ed, so I have no free time to myself except for maybe an occasional food time. That being said, neither of us had had time to train or get super pumped for the run. While I would absolutely love to say that we motivated ourselves and pumped ourselves up before bed, we decided not to run. We had already given the money which goes to help children charities that are local in Charlotte. That in itself is enough. Especially when you aren’t used to getting sleep and finally have the opportunity to get some. I honestly thought I would already be asleep by now, but hey, I was making sure I got my blog up. I’m trying to get better about being more consistent.

Today, body image and ED wise was pretty amazing. It just felt so healthy and in a good place all day. I honestly don’t think I heard ED much at all today to be honest, and that is such a good feeling. My birthday is coming up and knowing that I am being victorious so steadily over ED this close to such an anxiety provoking event (in a good way) makes me so happy. Every other birthday since I was twelve, I have been freaked out that I wouldn’t look perfect or be perfect on my birthday. Let’s be real, ain’t nobody got time for dat. Who wants to be around somebody who is trying to be perfect let alone be the person trying to be perfect? God created us perfectly in His image and that is the only form of perfection that applies to us at all. We are humans and we mess up. We screw up the amazing and perfect world and plan God has for us sometimes. The great thing is though, that He is always right there holding our hand and never letting us truly fall.

Thank you God for such an amazing day and just putting things in perspective about my past and my future. Lord thank you for putting me in a situation where I needed to be and was vulnerable. Please keep helping me work on trusting and loving others unconditionally and treating each person and situation as a fresh and new situation and not one of the past. Help me to keep growing in my relationship with You and those around me as well as in my recovery. Also, help me make a difference in at least one person’s life each day. Amen.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Billy
    Oct 19, 2013 @ 10:40:12

    You are such an amazing story, I know God loves reaching people through you! Thank you for being so courageous

    Reply

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