Day 20: Weekend Recap, Epic Fails, and Falling on My Knees

This weekend was one of the most triggering and difficult weekends I have had this year thus far. Besides being on that time of the month where there is World War Three in my uterus, my self esteem was shot the entire time. ED always seems to pick the time when my emotions are so high and out of my control to crawl back in. All weekend I literally wanted to crawl in a hole with a bag over my head and just remain there for the entirety of the weekend. Obviously that didn’t happen, but that was where my mind was the whole weekend.

This was a home game here this past weekend which brought about tail gating, which is not one of my strong suites. It caused a wasted day, and a whole string of negative emotions. You know those times where you just feel so discouraged and hopeless that you don’t share it with anyone because you want to continue to appear strong? That’s how this weekend was for me. I did make the mistake of allowing ED to crawl enough back in to make a few body-bashing comments which broke my heart. This year is supposed to be about renewal and allowing myself a new beginning. Here I am, in SEPTEMBER the very end of September and I allow body bashing.

Sometimes I wonder if there will be ups and downs like this forever, then I realize what this weekend was lacking: a focus and reliance on God. This whole weekend was focused on the things of this world, not the things beyond. He has never let me down before and the only times I really struggle are when I walk away from Him or like Peter on the water, begin to fear and doubt that He can and will save me from the waves. He allows this struggle because this is part of the story that is written for me. I am meant to share my story to help others and to glorify Him and here I was so wrapped up in the negative aspects of it all this whole weekend.

I won’t sit here and say that my recovery is perfect, but this weekend was disappointing for even me. No I was not acting on symptoms, but in my mind I was. For me, that is the same thing. I know that every new dawn brings a new beginning from Him and for us through Him. I just need to rely on Him today and allow this weekend to be in the past.

Anyway, I woke up today completely exhausted having not gotten the kind of rest, physically or spiritually that I needed this weekend, but I know I must and will make it through this week. I am determined to make this a great week for myself as well as for those around me. What is a bad few days if not motivation to have good days to follow? So while today’s post is a little short, the prayer portion will probably be a little longer because I just need to focus on talking to Him, asking for help because I know I cannot do this without Him.

Dear Lord,

I pray that You hold me close to You and teach me to rely on You more. I also ask Lord that you help me in the moments when I am too weak to do this on my own. I know You gave Your Son to forgive my sins, past and present and future, but Father I struggle with that concept. Some days I wake up and feel the weight of all I’ve done laying on my chest and I struggle to bring it to Your feet. Sometimes I just feel so ashamed, like I can’t lay myself and my baggage at Your feet. But Jesus, I know You are greater and bigger than anything that was and is and is to come. Help my faith grow each and every day to center my life around You and healing and spreading Your love across the people in my life and across my campus. Father, I fail You daily, but I know You still love me and still forgive me. Just take my back to baby steps and teach me to rest in Your presence as I once did, burden free, taking on Your yoke instead of my own. And thank You Father for loving me and always being there for me, even when I least deserve it. You are an amazing God, then, now, and always. Help me to never forget that.

Amen.

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