Day 18: Fashion Tips, ‘Aha’ Moment, Soy Pumpkin Lattes, Cleaning Out My Closet, and Fire

This morning started out like a typical Tuesday. I was absolutely exhausted and was fighting to get out of bed. Little did I know that today would turn into one of the most freeing and much needed days I had experienced in a while.

I went to my first class an we watched an inspiring video about a child with Autism that developed it and was not born with it. It was an amazing film that showed how this one little boy, through the help of his family and those around him, worked his way back to communicating and socializing as close to when he was young as possible. Things like that always make me stop and think, if he can be victorious and gain so many strides with something like autism, I can surely kick ED to the curb for the entirety of my life, and especially for a year. I walked away from that class a little less tired and a little more determined to make a difference.

I looked at the clock, I had free time so I drove back home to change. Even though it’s fall, Boone has this fabulous way of making it feel like winter in the morning and summer in the afternoon. I was not about to sweat it out wearing pants in my fourth grade classroom. I began looking through my closet and realized (and please excuse the TMI) that I am bloated because I am about to have world war three in my uterus and so none of the clothes were going to fit the way I wanted them too. I could feel ED beginning to poke that sore spot. It is not like this is something I can change about my body, nor do I want to resort back to being so malnourished that it ceases to happen. BUT, it is just so darn uncomfortable and annoying when it comes to having to dress up for an internship and feeling like you wanna wear sweats and a bag over your head for the next week. I couldn’t find a fancy bag in my closet…I was SOL.

I threw a few things on and realized one of my roommates, the apparel design major was still home. That was it! I could ask her for help, a. because I didn’t feel like picking out my clothes and b. because she wouldn’t lie to me. Her major is apparel design. She wouldn’t purposefully make someone dress like a hideous, ugly, gross thing. She was more than willing to help and in just enough time to make it to my internship, I was dressed and confident that other people could not tell I was feeling a little balloonish today. I just kept telling myself that I am beautiful no matter what time of the month it is. Being healthy and nourished is as gorgeous as I could ever be.

The day was going back and forth, but I was determined to make it a good one overall. Before my internship, I GOT A SOY PUMPKIN LATTE!!! I literally have no idea how an individual could drink that and not be happy. It is everything good about fall in a cup. Not to mention the cup that I was given to drink it out of was gorgeous and it gave me just enough energy to get through the rest of the day!

I pranced into my internship right on time and was greeted by the smiling faces of the children yelling out to me from the complete opposite side of the hall, “MISS LINDSAY!!!! MISS LINDSAY!!!” Those words are literally music to my ears. There is nothing that could be going on that those voices don’t snap me out of. I swear, they even find a way to give me energy when I think I can’t be awake much longer. These kids I work with are incredible. And the most humbling thing? They could give a rat’s hiney about what size I am or how much I weigh. They care about me being alert and aware and happy and able to be engaged with them and help them when they need it. How useful would I be if I was in my eating disorder and malnourished? I would be about as good as a pencil without led or a pen that ran out of ink.

We went to have the fourth graders read to the kindergartener’s today and that was when I had it, my ‘Aha’ Moment. I say that like I haven’t already realized how much I want to be a teacher. With that being said, this semester has been so intense and busy that I think I forgot the true meaning behind all the reading and the crazy, nutball assignments I’ve received and completed. I could not imagine my life without kids and seeing them make progress academically, socially, mentally, and emotionally. Just watching my fourth graders read to kindergarteners, I was getting as excited as if they were my own kids or as if I had been their teacher all year long. And they love me for me, how humbling is that?

As if THAT wasn’t enough to make for an overall great day, I came home and read about five hundred pages of a book I had just bought and was whisked away to a different place. When I finished my book I felt more refreshed than I have since school started. I decided I would do some cleaning out of my closet so I could donate some things to Good Will. What did I find in my closet, but a final shirt of my ex’s that I forgot I still had. Now at some point I had made the conscious decision to keep it, even though the relationship was the most manipulated and controlled I had ever been in my life, including with my eating disorder. It had been years and I had let him use me, reel me in, throw me back out, lie to me, and just many other things. Needless to say, I was ticked at myself that I still had it. I was looking around my room trying to make sure I didn’t have anything else of his when I stumbled upon a lighter.

Perfect.

I picked up my phone and dialed my best friend that lives in the building across from mine and told her and her roommate to come to my parking lot, I was burning something. They got there and I explained to them that this was symbolic of me taking back control and taking back my life after the past four years that had been spent being controlled, if not constantly but whenever him and I interacted. That sucker burned for about fourteen to fifteen minutes and we sat and watched the entire thing.

It may not be the same for other people, but when I burn something that was once significant to me, it signifies being free. I watched the smoke go in the air and I breathed a sigh of relief. I had taken control back; I had completely taken my heart and all of the emotions back. I was FREE!

It got me thinking that I can’t wait until I can say that I have burned ED completely. I just can’t wait to take back EVERY ounce of control ED has ever had and permanently erase his voice. I know I can do it and today was just another reminder that, as the Sara Evans song goes, ‘I get a little bit stronger.’

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