Day 17: Case of the Mondays, Determination, A Bible Verse, and Being Humbled

Today has only just begun but I feel I have a lot to share. Maybe that is because I was so busy over the weekend that I didn’t get a chance to share anything, or maybe it is just because there is a lot going on in my head about everything.

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you saw that last night I had a bit of a struggle fighting with ED. It wasn’t so much the eating part because it seems like that has been taken care of for the most part for a hot minute. It was the mental fight, fighting for the belief down to my core that I am worth the fight, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made; that I will be and already am victorious through Jesus Christ my Savior. With all of that being said, I quite literally cried out to the Lord last night to take this from me. It is so ironic how the one thing that has made me stronger than anything else I have gone through is the one thing I want God to take away from me. Here I am asking God to make me stronger through Him and to pull me closer to Him so I trust Him more. How on earth can I do that if I have nothing to humble me, nothing to bring me to my knees to realize that my pride and who I am is only made worthy through Him?

It is humbling sometimes in my recovery and life in general when I realize that I can’t do it on my own. Sometimes I just get in these patterns where I feel and act like I don’t need help and that I have it all under control. Those are the times and the days when God just smacks me in the face with reality: without Him I can do nothing, but with Him I can do all things because He strengthens me. What an amazing concept!! I am weak and He loves me anyway, enough to lift me up and hold me close when I feel lost.

This morning when I woke up, I had what I like to call ‘asian eyes’ from them being so puffy and shut from falling asleep crying. They were needed tears because I was crying out to the Lord, but not quite the Monday accessory I was hoping for. Needless to say that it was difficult for me to get out of bed, not just because I was tired but because you could see how tired I am in my eyes. But I pushed myself to get up because I refuse to fall behind in classes or in life because ED kept me up one night battling for the right to fully love myself.

Who is ED to tell me that I’m not good enough or not worth it? Who am I to completely destroy and wreck all the progress I have made over the past nine months because I had a rough night? That is the crazy thing about eating disorder recovery, it is not perfect. That is what I struggle with the most, I think. I want to believe in being completely a hundred percent cured and that is just not the case. There will be days or moments where I struggle, but that is why God is always around, to hold me/us up when I/we struggle. If we could do this all on our own, we wouldn’t need Him. But that is the great news, He is always there for us and will never foresake us.

I had a verse sent to me this morning and it rang so true and was exactly what I needed to hear. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
—1 John 4:18. How crazy is that? I have nothing to fear because God loves me with a perfect love and my relationship with Him is founded in perfect love. Why should I be so worried about my eating disorder and all that is going on with that? If I give up my eating disorder to Him, my recovery, every other aspect of myself, I have nothing to worry about. He will never let me falter or fall flat on my face unless to humble me and bring me to my knees in adoration of Him. In that case, I would need to fall flat on my face to tone down my ego and pride.

But today, although it is Monday and I am completely exhausted from working all weekend, God is here to provide and He won’t ever let me go. So today I pray that everyone’s Mondays are filled with hope and moments where everyone sees God and His glory. I also pray that we are all humbled before Him and rely heavily on Him. Believe it or not, our baggage is not too heavy. He can carry it, and He WANTS to! I will never stop being amazed by that! He WANTS to help us.

 

God, thank you for all that You have done in my life, today and every day. Thank you for humbling me and helping me to realize that I don’t have to do this alone. Help me to lower my pride and let down my guard so that I am not closing myself off to being helped and to helping others. I cannot do this without you. Help me to realize this and hold onto this truth each and everyday. Amen.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Sarah
    Sep 23, 2013 @ 20:59:14

    It’s so refreshing to see how far you have come. I am so beyond proud of you. You are fighting not only for yourself but for everyone who is struggling with an ED, showing hope for those who are far into the cycle that they feel helpless. You beat one of the biggest demons, and for the first time, you get to see the Lindsay we have been seeing all along; a girl who is strong, smart and has the potential to change the world. I always look forward to reading your blog daily!!

    Keep kicking ED ass!!!

    Reply

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