Day 3

I don’t know what it is about Fridays that always make me feel slightly less stressed, but I love it. I only had one class today and somehow woke up feeling tired, but on top of the world. That is one of the many things I love about recovery. Most days you can wake up and look in the mirror and thank God for what you see; not because you are ‘thin’ or ‘perfect’ but because you are healthy and see the beauty He designed in you. Today was one of those days and I couldn’t have enjoyed it more. I came home from class, once again exhausted from a crazy week, took a nap, went to work, and drove back to my home away from college. Once I arrived, I realized that this kind of situation, even nine months ago would have been triggering. A house, with no one around and food still in the cabinet; that would have been triggering and caused a binge and purge episode. But today, like it has been since the beginning of 2013, I came in and that was the last thing on my mind. I picked up a book and just enjoyed the relaxation and the isolation from the stress and craziness of the city and of college. With all the hustle and bustle of being a special education major, sometimes believe it or not, it feels good to let my body rest for a day or two and to let my mind rest.

 

Now usually on days like this where I’m exhausted and bloated, ED is screaming. I don’t know if it was all of the praise at worship last night or reading my bible today, but ED was silent. In fact I haven’t heard a peep from him all day. It puts my anxiety at ease to not only know that my relationship with God and who I am in HIM is stronger than ED, but also that it silences him. I haven’t felt this free or this at ease since before this year began when I made the conscious decision to live each and every day in recovery. Who knows what tomorrow will be like, all I can say is that I am grateful for today, the day that the Lord has made and I have truly rejoiced and been glad in it! ❤

Day 2

In recovery, every day is different. Every meal and every moment changes from the last, bringing its own celebrations and its own challenges. Today, my body was definitely exhausted from the constant “go, go, go” that I put it through yesterday. I woke up this morning with no food in my fridge or cabinet to eat for breakfast and eventually just had to run out the door to catch the bus with a growling stomach. I don’t know about anyone else who has or is struggling with ED, but a growling stomach can be triggering and really uncomfortable. With class as soon as I got to campus, ED started putting his two sense in of just going back home after class without grocery shopping, and just using that as an excuse to not eat anything. Of course I know what he was trying to do to reel me back onto a slippery slope. Needless to say, I wasn’t having it. I ran into one of my best friends and her boyfriend and we all ended up going to eat breakfast and hungout until our classes that we all had later at the same time.

Blah, blah, blah past all the boring class things, with how tired I have been today, my defenses have been lower.My mind, my body, and my spirit have been slightly more exhausted than usual. With an eating disorder, your guard always has to be up and at times that can be even more exhausting than every day life. Unlike other struggles, those of us with an ED have to face our fear at least three times a day every day for the rest of our lives. But the great thing about that is, we can use it to help make us stronger. Eating healthy (not overly healthy) and delicious food full of flavor and nutrients for your body is one of the top ways to kick ED’s butt while also making your body happy. When I came home from class and went to start homework, my eye lids started drooping. I’m so used to constantly moving and working out after class that my body was BEGGING to be rested. The old me, the sick me, would have made myself get up, make a pot of coffee and drag my beaten down self to the gym yelling bad things at my body in my head the whole way there. You want to know what I did this time? I got my reading book for class, I laid down, and read until I passed out and took a nap long enough to rejuvenate myself. When I woke up, the all too familiar sound of my stomach screaming for food errupted. You know what I did? I fed it, because that is exactly what ED didn’t want and it was what my body needed. If there is anything that I have learned over the years, it is that our body is the ONLY one we get. No matter how great or how horribly we treat it, we don’t get to trade it in for a new one. It is a vessel that God placed our spirits and souls in for us to treat it like a temple, to honor Him in everything we do and to cherish and love our bodies, inside and out, every step of the way. Up until now, I have beaten and bruised my body by starving it or forcing it to rid itself of nutrients and even though I was really tired and not feeling a fight with ED today, I pushed him aside. I’ve learned that even leaving the door cracked for him just leads to more frequent battles. Today, I decided I’m not working out because it’s not what my body needs. I’m going to rest, catch up on some homework and go to church because my spirit is what truly needs a workout. Time with the Lord, in His presence with His children is the refreshment that I need. And you know what? That is okay. It is okay to have days like this and BE okay with days like this. It has only taken me about twenty-one years to learn that, but I think I’ve gotten it. I think I’m finally okay with listening to my body and trusting that it won’t foresake me or betray me. My body was created by God and anything created by Him is good and holy and it is about time I start treating my body AS His creation. Today is just another day of victory and I am thankful for those moments, no matter how large or small, where I am STILL victorious against that voice telling me that I’m not good enough. Because guess what? I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I AM ENOUGH.

Day 1

Recently it has been laid on my heart by God, well not recently but as of late I have decided to listen, that I should begin a movement. A pro-recovery movement to be exact. One that leads and teaches girls and boys to love themselves the way that they are. No conditioning whether that be the gym for a set time, or meals with set calculations; just unconditional self love. Everywhere I turn, I see and hear of another girl struggling with an eating disorder or hating themselves or harming their body. I created this blog to show that my journey, although imperfect, proves that it is possible to love yourself and to move into recovery and remain there with faith, hard work, support, and God. So join me as each day I reveal my weaknesses and strengths and take the first few steps to beginning a revolution. No step is too small and no voice is too weak to be heard if the Lord is a supporter. So help me with this revolution. Learn to love yourself, follow my journey, tell someone they are beautiful, skip a day at the gym, allow yourself leniency on what you eat, date someone who treats you well, just something. Nothing is too small. Every journey begins with a single step!

Today was one of the craziest days in a while. I don’t think, apart from class, that I sat down longer than ten minutes at a time. Between going to class, hanging out with Scholars with Diverse abilities, going to the gym, sending emails, doing homework, getting coffee, picking up packages, and playing with my cat, I was constantly go, go, go. By the time I got to lay down in my bed, it was already midnight. But, I realized something quickly; my heart was aching for Jesus. All day I have been talked to about my ideas on how to approach eating disorders, about the chapter I’m hoping to bring to my college, about being part of an eating disorder event, just all these things that I feel God pressing on my heart. I just started talking to God. Talking to Him about how scared I am about leading young girls or some girls who may be older than me in recovery and faith in Him. I talked with Him about how He must have the wrong girl picked out for the job. Who am I to talk to girls across my college campus about loving yourself and positive body talk, and recovery? Who am I to think that I can lead a recovery movement? Needless to say, I have had sign after sign the past few days that this is where God wants me, but I just can’t help feeling slightly anxious about being the one heavily involved in all of this. I mean I have been struggling for nine years to get to the place I am at with my eating disorder, but what if I get in a position that girls look up to me and I slip up? What happens if by some freak accident, I relapse again? I know our God will never leave nor forsake us and that He has plans for me, for prosperity and goodness, but I’m still scared. I shouldn’t be, and when I’m praying to Him and listening to His response, I’m not. I guess even though my brain has been everywhere today, I have finally calmed down a little bit hearing Him telling me that He doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

So Lord, I pray that you give me the words and the meaning, and the actions to support and love and cherish any and every struggling girl or boy that you send my way. Help me to give praise and thanks to you for holding me and allowing me to reach this point in my recovery. Help me live a life of strength and faith and be an example that recovery and a strong faith and relationship with YOU is possible. Amen.